Wednesday, July 22, 2015

The Phoenix in Me - OR - This Timelord Has Finally Regenerated!

For those of you not in the know, I love Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a Timelord. Timelords have two hearts. I have joked about being a Timelord because that is the only way I can figure I have survived so many heartbreaks throughout the years.

The way I figure it, at any given time, one heart is shattered and in a state of repair whilst the other is blissfully ignorant of the recent breaking and on the lookout for the Next Great Love. Until it gets broken. And then whilst it is being repaired the other heart, now all shiny and new and, without the pesky memory of the most recent heartbreak, is all optimistic and ready for love yet again. And so the cycle goes. But I think the cycle, unlike the proverbial circle, has been broken.

It all began one dark and stormy night...

Or more precisely, one sunny, Saturday morning while I was on my way to get mah hair did. The short version is this: Being unceremoniously dumped in a Facebook message after almost 2 years of dating can really suck the wind right out of your lungs. It can take a vicious toll on a person. I, apparently, was no exception.

For almost 3 months I waffled between ridiculously depressed and unrealistically hopeful. I felt drained. Every. Single. Day. I couldn't separate myself from the Us that we were, even though he very clearly had. (I'm sure it didn't help that we lived - and still do live - in the same building, but I digress.) I poured out my heart through well-crafted, Hallmark-worthy letters, even after it should have been clear that I was wasting my words on a man whose thoughts and feelings I was unable to correctly decipher.

And then one day it happened.

I think it began after a weekend away with my Carissa. It was Mother's Day, and we had a great time with our little blended family of 8, playing in the woods, wrangling each other's kids, taking pictures and enjoying our little slice of life. Some other things took place, too. I'm sure it was also some improv with my Blacklist family, and probably some disc golf with Dad, and a few other much needed reminders of the great many blessings I have in this life that don't relate to a romantic relationship before a gloriously rapid transformation happened.

I was fixed.

In what seemed like an instant, the gaping hole I thought had erupted in my heart - and my life - with a certain someone's departure had sealed itself and left me whole once again. I don't think I was able then, or could now, properly verbalize how good I felt after I had turned that corner. I felt better than I had felt in I couldn't even remember how long. I felt like the me I was supposed to be, the me that I had been BTM - Before That Man. Hell, I was even better than that.

And then, as I flitted about my world in a manic and magical state of post-depression euphoria (why yes, I did set a few friends on Bipolar Watch, just in case), an even more awesome thing happened.

I met someone!

Let me just tell how incredibly, serendipitously, fantastically amazing this man is.

He was my 8th grade boyfriend, for starters. How cute is that? His road from 15 to 40 has been a rocky one, but who's road hasn't. Mine certainly has, for one reason or another. Why would I want someone who's had it any different? He's funny, passionate, smart, sexy as hell, and you know what? As my luck would (finally!) have it, he is everything I've ever wanted in a man.

What exactly is that, you ask? Well, I'll tell you.

He loves me for exactly who I am. Simple, right? Yes and no. I'm not a simple gal, you see. I'm a stubborn, opinionated, bad decision-making, questionable parenting, spontaneous, flighty, creative, talkative, mostly ridiculous woman who know doubt has plenty of annoying, even occasionally unlovable qualities. But for someone I love I go willingly and happily out of my way to be the best me I can be. And I can be unbelievably amazing. (Did I mention that I'm also incredibly humble?) Now, this man? He must have glimpsed that potential awesomeness in me because he ended up falling for me, but not just falling. Falling IN LOVE with me.


And I have fallen almost inconceivably in love with him back. He is the most amazing man. He doesn't let a single day, nor a minute, nor an infinitesimal moment, go by without letting me see, hear and feel how much he loves me. And unlike the boys of yore, he actually wants to spend time with me. He even - get this - he misses me when we're not together! Let me tell you, that is SUCH a refreshing change of pace. For once in my long and notoriously laughable dating history I have finally found a fella worth my time because he also thinks that I'm worth his time. Yes, I realize that I should have never settled for less than that, but... hey, you! Shut it!

I mean, ahem... moving on. Let's see... Oh! The way he looks at me? Melts my heart. Every. Time. He doesn't see what I see when I look at me. He sees this best version of me where my flaws and insecurities are nonexistent because they are me and that makes them beautiful to him. He hugs me, long and strong, never letting go like he's got somewhere else he'd rather be, because he is already there. He kisses me when other people are around. Not just a peck on the cheek either. A sweet, intentional, wonderful but not over the top 'get a room' kinda kiss. But ohmygod, can he kiss me like that, too. And how! Did I mention that he loves me and tells me and shows me and never a moment goes by that I don't feel that love?

I did?

Several times?

Hmm... okay then. Well it's true. He does. And every day since that first day when we reconnected as adults (I won't say 'grown ups' because growing up is overrated and I don't think either one of us will ever willingly wear the title of 'grown up'), ever since that day when unbeknownst to me my world finally took its turn in the direction I had always hoped it would, ever since then I have felt like the luckiest woman who ever lived.

To the one of a kind to my one of a kind.
To my unicorn.
Jason, my love, this blog's for you. <3