Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Why internet dating is so hot OR Foreplaying with fire

I'm starting to think that either 1 - I've somehow managed to relocate to whatever part of the world is still on Tuesday while the Midwest is on Wednesday or 2 - I should move Taco Tuesday to Wednesday, because for the life of me I can't seem to consistently get this thing done before the wee hours of TueWednesday. Oh well, I'll just keep on going like nothing's wrong. I'll just pretend it's right on time. Yeah, that's it.

It's Taco Tuesday everyone! Your journey thus far...

     You've travelled with me through the Gingivitis Gardens, beyond the felonious Ice Cream     tundra, slipped silently passed the Mouth Breathing ogre, swashbuckled your way through bands of larping gypsy sword fighters, and - most recently - managed to escape the watchful eyes of the Cave-dwelling Bogeys.

     Where will you go next?

"... a sexual pyromaniac beast." (SPB, from here on out)

Ah, but of course.

As you can guess, I met SPB on a singles site. Plentyoffish, to be precise. While the site does have plenty of fish, it doesn't warn you up front that many of the fish are of this variety:

Not that there's anything wrong with the above fish. Just that, well, there is someone, somewhere, perhaps hiding out in a bomb shelter or some sort of hobbit hole, that would love them just as they are. I don't mean to say that SPB was like one of those fish up there, but he was... interesting. I ran across his profile during the period of my dating life when I decided that I needed to lower the bar and give every guy a fair chance.
I like to call it The Dark Ages.
He wasn't the typical guy I would have gone for. Not that I have a physical typical in mind, because I really don't. But even without an ideal he still was nowhere in the ballpark. But I actually took the time to read his profile, and he seemed like a not bad fella. Worked in the healthcare field with Alzheimer's patients. That takes heart and dedication right there. That counts for something, right? He seemed nice over chat/email, and I figured what the hell. We agreed to meet up at a local bar for a face-to-face meet and greet. It wasn't a big deal or anything. Besides, what did I have to lose?
Apparently the first few layers of my chest flesh.
On the way to our "date" we were texting little niceties when he mentioned something completely random. I'm pretty sure it was random. Had to have been. We must have been exchanging more tidbits about each other or something, but the subject of foreplay came up. Eesh! Yeah, I usually don't bring these things up until at least... well, at least not on the first date. He was talking about what he liked - a little rough this and that (totally not me, and I'm pretty sure I mentioned that) - and then he brought out the big gun.
His pièce de résistance? Chicks dig fire as foreplay. To which I promptly responded with a "what?!?"
"Oh yeah", he said. "You just spray a little Aqua Net across their chest and light it up and chicks get hot."
"Sorry, not this chick."
I'm pretty sure he tried to further convince me about the awesomeness of searing my flesh for pleasure, but he was never gonna win that battle. I like my breasts skin graft-free, thank you.
After that incredibly telling revelation, I walked into the bar to meet up with SPB. Yeah... still not entirely sure why I just didn't run far, far away. I guess because since he already had my number I figured a nice, diplomatic "ooo, sorey, but we're just not a love connection" would be best.
A few drinks and some light chitchat later proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that there in fact definitely was no love connection. Not even a like connection, really. A nice enough fella, just - again - not the guy for me. There was another memorable incident that night. You know, other than the near threat of dousing me in 80's frump spray and torching my lady bits. The subject of tattoos came up, and this tall, rather... corpulent fellow proceeded to not just lift up but remove his shirt at the bar to show his collection. They were a mishmash of what looked like prison tats. Done by epipleptics. And they were everywhere across his... generous helping of plump torso flesh.
Why yes, hometown bar where I spent nearly every Monday night for a year doing karaoke, this was my date for the evening. Score!
After that night we exchanged a few more texts and had a few convos but that was the last time I saw him. I think he got engaged or married in the last few years? To which I say Aqua Net just secured itself another lifetime customer.
Whew... and that was that.
You know, it's hilarious actually reliving these stories in detail. It really brings to light my absolutely unrivaled ability to make some of the worst decisions known to man. Entertaining as hell, though. And that, my friends, makes all the difference.
What is one of the most unsual dating experiences you have ever had? Was it in public or private? Did you escape unscathed or did it leave you with something to remember it by? I can't wait to hear about it!
As always, thanks for reading...
NEXT TIME on TACO TUESDAY: More larping! More fire! More...clowns? OR I think there's a pill for this, or at least there should be.*
(*blog title subject to change if I ever figure out how the hell to sum up this next guy)

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