So I'm somewhat notorious for my sappy sadsack posts. But I like them. Sometimes. And I like my writing. And I'm trying to hold myself accountable for the things I've set out in this most recent one and by sharing it here with all of you it kind of feels like I'm doing that.
The who doesn't matter. It could honestly be anyone. It's the thoughts behind the words that really matter. I think. Anyway, here goes. The umpteenth and final (hopefully) goodbye to settling for less than I deserve.
It's seriously pathetic how I wait around to hear from you.
You don't ask me to. You probably don't even know that I do it. But I do. And it pisses me off. Makes me very upset with myself.
It all goes back to this blog I wrote over 6 years ago. The gist is that I always sell myself short in matters of the heart. I have a feeling that this is my lot in life and that I'm destined for nothing but this same old thing forever. Really kind of believe that. Part of me likes that my emotions run so deep and strong, and most of all unrequited. It means that it's truly a gift I'm giving to someone and not just a ploy to get something I want (although I'd be getting love, but that's not what I'm talking about). The other part of me just thinks that I'm an idiot.
I wish I could stop it. I wish I could control who I fall for or attach myself to. I wish I could walk away when I should without feeling like I was making a mistake. I wish I could put my worth and my ultimate happiness in the forefront of my mind and act accordingly. I wish that I could view the men who don't choose me - for all of the many valid and obvious reasons - as passing ships and turn my eyes toward the horizon and wait for the next one to come my way.
I wish I could just not care.
But I can't not care. I don't know how to shut that off. And I certainly can't learn how to care less about or get over someone when they are still around. Even if it's just email. :-(
It's too hard for me to chat with you and think about all that we've done and been and shared, too hard to know the nice things you think about me and to think about the possibly serious things that you don't think about me that I wish you did. Too hard to not spend time with you like we used to. Too hard to watch you choose unhappiness - or at the very least a blase, unfulfilling life that lives below your hopes and dreams - over happiness, no matter what the rationale.
I care about you too much to watch that. And for whatever reason I care about you too much to not be hurt that I wasn't enough to make you choose... me.
It's dumb, I know. Even if you could, if you were in the position to make such a choice, there's no guarantee that you would pick me anyway. You've said before if you were single again you'd want to stay that way for a long while. I didn't change that. It's not my fault, though. I'm trying to remember that, but it's hard. Because I see and think and feel things about you, about us that... clearly aren't there. Call it the curse of the creative mind. No matter how deliberately I steel myself against these feelings and speak truth to my heart about my worth and why I need to move past you, as soon as I get word from you all of that resolve disappears and an unrealistic hope and optimism takes over and I'm lost in thoughts of you and us again.
Who says the things you say to me and acts the way you do with me and chooses something so much less for himself? I don't understand, and I have to stop thinking that it's something wrong with me. Because I don't honestly believe that I'm that flawed. I am, don't get me wrong, but not enough to be unworthy of what other people have and what so many other people seem to take for granted. I want to be THAT person for someone. That special, that prized, that cherished... THAT person that some man somewhere feels beyond lucky to have found to call his own.
That girl (yes, "girl", because it feels that juvenile).that someone will fight to keep, will fight to have, will fight to NOT have to keep secret. I understand that I am not that girl for you. It's fine. My timing sucks. Luck is not on my side. My dog ate my homework. All of the above. But... I guess it doesn't make anything hurt any less.
You really can't fight for me? Not even to me, just in talking, just between me and you? I told you tonight (silly me, I thought you just wanted to see me and hang out with me)(what DID you think I wanted to talk to you about?) That I was going to say goodbye. "I love you, goodbye", to be exact, and you just took it. Like I was telling you I wanted fries with that. Ok, cool, no problem. Just that simple. No please don't go, no wait, no hey now, let's not be too hasty...nothing.
That's it? Ok.
I guess that really must be it. Maybe it's easier for you this way, easier for your life, easier for her. I suppose I get that. Because if I really was any of the things you've ever said that I was, I'd think you wouldn't let me just fade away. Like you are.
I don't think anyone can really know just what it is that I am capable of when it comes to matters of the heart. I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one who ever will.
You've opened up more with me than you have anyone (I think) in recent years. Last chance...what haven't you said? What do you think about this, about me? How does all of this make you feel?
Anyway, answers/thoughts/inputs would be nice, welcome & appreciated. I suppose, however that they aren't necessary. I'm saying goodbye to you because I can't see another way out of this. Typical literary case of unrequited love. Correct me if I'm wrong.