Monday, October 22, 2012

Mythological Monday - The Perfect Man

Oh, you poor, poor readers of mine. All two of you. (hi mom & dad!) You're in for it now.

Today, folks, will now live in infamy as Mythological Monday. A day where I pick the myth & pick it apart, describe it, explain it, give my two cents worth, what have you. Any and all myths are at the mercy of my sharp, rapier wit. At the end of the blog I'll also open the floor for you to tell me what myths you'd like to see me take on.

This first, inaugural myth is perhaps the most appropriate and in line with the original inspiration of this blog (Taco Time). The myth? The Perfect Man.

"But he doesn't exist!" You all cry, gnashing your teeth and writhing in disbelief. Exactly! He's a myth. But he is, nevertheless, one of the most talked about, most propagated, most openly sought myths out there.

As long as stories have been told to sad, frightened, not-nearly sleepy enough babes there has existed a form of The Perfect Man (heretofore referred to as TPM). He may have been a heroic character, saving scores of helpless people from certain peril or a good samaritan fellow who sacrificed all for his fellow man. In the last hundred years TPM had taken the form of the Prince Charming that every little girl dreams about, represented in some form or another in every movie we shove in front of the retinas of little girls across the globe.

Now as all myths & legends go, history is full of the "true" stories of TPM having been caught & domesticated, in what is usually reported to be some sort of "happily ever after". Dare I say I, myself, have had first hand sightings of possible TPM (not in my own life, obviously. tacos anyone?) They are rare, friends. Hence the mythological nature of the beast. So right here, right now, let's unravel some of the thread that helps to spin the yarn of Myth #1 - The Perfect Man.


1. He stumbles into your life when you least expect it.

"When you stop looking, that's when you'll find "him".


One of the most notorious rumors spread about TPM is that he is only spotted when you are physically incapable of spotting him. Really? Oh, so that is how that works.

My ass.

So I suppose, ladies, if you are ever in the restroom applying a feminine hygiene product & a man enters & accidentally swings open your stall door followed by a flood of jumbled apologies, you better wipe your hands on your skirt & leap into his arms because the elusive TPM is before you!

2. He's everything you dreamed he'd be.

Is that right? So you always hoped you'd find a former felon who sells pot for extra cash, but he bought you Subway that one time a he's a really good kisser & he doesn't really like his girlfriend anymore anyway? I mean, what? That never happened. Eyes on the blog, people... Ahem.

I have to take a different aproach on this one, because it's a bit tricky. Keep up the best you can.

Since TPM doesn't exist, #2 here is, of course, untrue. No man will ever be everything we dreamed of all wrapped up in one.


We still must arm ourselves, women, with a list of rock solid must-haves for the man we will grant the pleasure of wooing us. The PLEASURE, I say. We simply must raise the bar on this one. These should also be more or less all inclusive, or you may find yourself in this situation:
"Gee, he is sooo awesome! And he wants to take such good care of me! And ohmygosh, he said the sweetest thing the other day... He even likes my kids/pets/hairy mole! Isn't that just perfect? It's just so hard so find a job nowadays, but he's really motivated, though! And his family! His mom always makes us a snack whenever he invites me over to hang... " (Taco Time, verse 2. eerily similar)

Note the use of exclamation marks. Friends don't let friends date beneath their own expectations. Remember that.

Running out of time this morning, so I'm gonna jump right to the sweet, bitter end. (yeah, so I'm an optimist.p

3. You'll never find him.

This is both true & false.

TPM - The Perfect Man - does not exist. Not Disney or Hollywood or even your best friend who married her high school sweetheart & has three stair-step kids, a minivan & a dog in a house with a white picket fence might depict him to be.

But there is man, perfect for you, with all of his imperfections, who is... somewhere. And the best part is it's not like there is only one "perfect-for-you" man in the world. There are any number of guys out there who's imperfections just might align with yours. Find them. Keep your eyes peeled. Or just use the men's bathroom sometime if you're trying to speed things along.

To be continued...

Thanks for reading. Love you all...


p.s. Don't forget to comment with the myths you'd like to see me take on! ~h


  1. Stop looking. TPM or as my auto correct reads 'Tom' doesn't exist. What makes any guy great to us is that he meets many of our own personal expectations. Therefore one should never lower there's because you will sure fall victim to heartache later- no you can't change him. He had been and always will be a bag of smashed ass! I have faith and hope that you to will find your less than perfect prince charming- maybe he righting his wrongs and now just ain't a good time to meet him!

  2. I know he doesn't exist, that's why he's a myth! I love you, though. And thanks for the optimistic words!